Saturday, March 27th, 2021
Dear Mom,
You died on Wednesday. It feels like the whole world is stopped. Grandma and Grandpa came up from Florida, and other relatives from all over are coming too. We've been sorting through your things, and getting the pictures ready for the funeral. Seeing you with us as babies, smiling and happy, hurt a lot. I miss the way you loved us. For all of your faults, you loved us so much. You weren't a perfect mom but I love you anyways. I was feeling sick for the past few days and hadn't eaten much since Sunday, but I feel a little better after talking with family. It's been a long day, and I'm tired.
Love you lots,
Doodlebug.
Tuesday, March 30th, 2021
Dear Mom,
Today was your funeral. Technically it's your memorial, cause your body won't be there. It doesn't really matter though. I dreamed of you last night. You were at home on the couch, and you didn't know you were dead. We were talking about everything going on. I also dreamed about L. We've been talking a lot, but not talking talking. He and I were together and happy. Anyways, Dad and Uncle D gave eulogies at the funeral. The service was nice. R was there to support me. Afterwards a bunch of us (not B though) went back to Grandma and Grandpa's house. I went swimming and hurt my foot. It's really bruised.
Love you lots,
Doodlebug.
Sunday, April 4th, 2021
Dear Mom,
Today is Easter. I worked yesterday. I went to the 12 Oaks mall with T and Uncle D too. Today we're going to church then having Easter dinner with family. I dreamed of you last night. I could hear you talking, but when I went to see you you were either lying dead or not there. I miss you so much it hurts. I just want you back. Grandma and I talked for hours about you. Spilled all the tea about W, and how you weren't the same after your foot broke. I guess I blocked those things from my memory. You weren't perfect. You lied, you cheated, you stole, you said horrible things to all of us. Even though it hurts that you're gone, it kinda feels better.
Doodlebug.
Tuesday, April 6th, 2021
Dear Mom,
Uncle D went home yesterday. Before he left, we picked out a plot for you at the cemetery. I went home to Dad's, then brought the dogs over to your house. We mostly just sorted through clothes and cried.
Miss you lots,
Doodlebug.
Sunday, April 11th, 2021
Dear Mom,
Dad took A and I to church in Howell today. The pastor talked about how Easter isn't a celebration of spring and beauty, but of rebirth, joy, hope, and life in the midst of tragedy and sadness. On Easter Sunday, everyone was mourning Jesus's death. Then Mary found out He was alive again. It made me think of you. This Easter season hasn't been the same without you. Today especially was just sad. I'm just waiting for my Easter happiness.
Miss you lots,
Doodlebug.
Tuesday, April 13th, 2021
Dear Mom,
Yesterday Dad and I went to the bank to try to get me access to your accounts so the bank doesn't take your house. Today I have to go over to your house to try and sort things so T and Grandma and I can have a garage sale. I was supposed to do it yesterday but I played minecraft instead.
Miss you lots,
Doodlebug.
Sunday, April 18th, 2021
Dear Mom,
I did some schoolwork today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yesterday was my birthday. I went shopping and then out to eat with Grandma and Grandpa. We went to the mall and Kohl's and I got to buy whatever I wanted. I got some clothes from Kohl's and and some stuff and candles from Bed Bath and Bodyworks. We went to that Asian buffet you liked, the one in front of Kohl's. Dad and A came with us, but B doesn't like Asian food so he didn't come. They made everyone wear gloves while getting our food, and A and I packed some gloves full of sushi and lo mein to take home. You would've thought it was hilarious. Today I didn't do much though.
Love you lots,
Doodlebug.
Saturday, May 8th, 2021
Dear Mom,
The semester ended last week. I'm trying to get classes for summer semester, but most are full. I still need to finish my chem class. The teacher gave me an extension, and I have another week to do the last two assignments and the final exam. I just don't have the motivation to do it. Mother's day is tomorrow, and I've been feeling down this week. I'm too tired to do much, and I've been feeling sicker than usual.
Happy (early) Mother's Day,
Doodlebug.
Sunday, May 23rd, 2021
Dear Mom,
I've been thinking a lot about myself, and what you said to me before you died. Some people think I'm weird, and that's okay. I do things not to be "cringe", like A would say. I just want to make people happy. I've been having suicidal thoughts on and off lately, not really related to anything but sometimes it makes me feel awful about myself. I guess I'm not really serious about anything I do, and some people (mostly A and B) see it as weird. It makes me think of some of your last words to me: "life is short, don't take it too seriously". I won't, but I have been thinking of making some changes to my life. I want to bleach my hair, start taking better care of myself, etc. Sometimes I worry about being ugly, but I'm ready for my Hot Girl Summer to begin.
Thinking of you,
Doodlebug.
Thursday, December 30th, 2021
Dear Mom,
1 more day until New Year's! So much has happened lately. I started and finished fall semester (4.0!). I applied to U of M, then got accepted and registered for winter classes. B moved out, I had to give Syd away, I applied and interviewed for a paid internship for next summer. C and I are having issues. I talked with Dr. K about it. Since I lost my job when I transferred schools, and I can only work part time, moving isn't an option. Say hi to I for me, she passed away on Christmas giving birth to her son, Z, and we all miss her a lot.
Happy (early) New Year's,
Doodlebug.
Saturday, January 1st, 2022
Dear Mom,
Happy New Year's! Except it isn't. A huge snowstorm is moving through the Midwest, and I almost crashed the car driving from the theater back home. A and I went to watch Spiderman: No Way Home when it started snowing. When I got home, C and I got into a fight over things. I want to run away. I want to keep running forever. And if I can't, I'll lay down and go to sleep forever. I wish you were still here. I want to go home.
Love,
Doodlebug.
Sunday, January 23rd, 2022
Dear Mom,
I saw something online that made me think of you. Some rando celebrity posted that "it feels amazing to have a mama". It hurt a lot. We all (or most of us) will eventually lose our moms. Some get to keep them for a long time. Others, like Z, don't get to know them at all. It's so unfair. Sometimes I feel like a burden to Dad and his wife. I failed my physics test. I feel like I'm just spiraling. It's been almost 10 months since I killed you, and I'm not even close to getting anywhere. I feel broken. I don't know what to do. How do normal people do things? I can barely find the motivation to do basic tasks and my schoolwork. Sometimes I think I'll never amount to anything.
Missing you very much,
Doodlebug.
Saturday, April 16th, 2022
Dear Mom,
I'm one day away from 21! B gave me my birthday gift already, though I haven't had time to enjoy any of it, cause it's the end of the semester and I'm so far behind in my physics and chem classes. I'm so stressed! if you can hear my prayers, please help me get a good enough grade to pass them! I should've been doing my schoolwork, but I've been hanging with the guys at UCEN, and I took that trip to Frankenmuth and Lake Huron, and went to that "party" at Riverfront. I wish you were here to help.
Miss you lots,
Doodlebug.
Sunday, April 17th, 2022
Dear Mom,
I'm 21! I'm so excited! I wish you were here to celebrate with me. I'm finally old enough to drink *par-tay*!! I'm a true adult now! Which reminds me... how do you pay taxes??
Love you lots,
Doodlebug.
Thursday, October 20th, 2022
Dear Mom,
I think I'm going to change my major. Also, I know it's not even Halloween yet (your favorite holiday), but I've been thinking about Christmas a lot lately. I also had an endoscopy and colonoscopy again recently, and I've been thinking about the way you used to go with me to all of my doctor's appointments. So much has been going on lately, and I've been thinking of you so much it hurts sometimes. There's so much I haven't told you since last time. I got a job at the museum! And I went camping with R and her family for 4th of July! But then I'm failing my classes again, because the work is so difficult. Since you've been gone, I've also turned into a bit of a shopaholic. Now I know why you never gave me access to your amazon account.
Miss you,
Doodlebug.
Saturday, November 5th, 2022
Dear Mom,
Guess what happened at work today? I became a walking biohazard. You would've laughed to hear the story, so hear it is: I cut my finger the other day trying to cut a croissant with a butter knife. And then today it popped back open as I was cleaning up at work and I had to call in the cleanup crew to take care of all the mess I made. On the busiest day of the year. We had to shut down the gallery because of me. If you were here, you'd tease me so much about it, and I'd never hear the end of it.
Love you lots,
Doodlebug.
Monday, November 21st, 2022
Dear Mom,
Your second favorite holiday is almost here, Black Friday! I'm carrying on our tradition of shopping til we drop, R and her family and I are going to the malls and everything. Afterwards, A and I are going to Grandma and Grandpa's for the annual Festival of Lights Parade, where we'll ride on the church float again. I've got to pick up gifts for everyone this weekend. You were always so good at that. I think I'll manage though. I'm so exhausted lately, but also excited for the holidays coming up.
Love you lots,
Doodlebug.
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022
Dear Mom,
A and I went up to Frankenmuth on Monday, for her debate. Since you're gone, I've been filling in as a "parent" to help judge. You'd be so proud of her. She did great. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and it hasn't been the same without you. Last year, whenever I went into the kitchen at grandma and grandpa's house, I kept expecting you to be sitting at the table talking with grandma. It feels weird that you're not, and that you won't ever be again.
Miss you,
Doodlebug.
Tuesday, December 27th, 2022
Dear Mom,
Christmas was two days ago, and winter break is still underway. Last Thursday we had a family game night, where C came up with different Christmas challenges for us to do. It was a LOT of fun. It's something you would've loved. There was a huge snowstorm Thursday and Friday, too. I had to work, and almost no one came in to the museum, and a lot of staff called off. My car's door was frozen shut from the ice, and I almost called off too. Saturday was Christmas Eve, A.S.'s first Christmas with us, and she wanted to open a present early. And then Sunday was Christmas, and Dad made pancakes just like we used to, and we opened presents, and we watched Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. It felt really happy. Yesterday we celebrated with Grandma K, and we watched this PBS special on King Henry VIII and how they celebrated the 12 days of Christmas. It sounded like something you'd've been on board with. You would've loved Grandma K's talks, too. Today I didn't do much except watch tv and eat leftovers. It's exactly the kind of day we would've had together, and it feels bittersweet.
Love you lots,
Doodlebug.
Thursday, January 12th, 2023
Dear Mom,
Today I had the day off, and so I didn't get out of bed until the afternoon. It's just one of those days. I have work, but I just want to call in. I have doctor's appointments coming up in the next few days, but I don't want to go. I just want to sleep.
Miss you lots,
Doodlebug.
Wednesday, January 18th, 2023
Dear Mom,
Happy Birthday, Mom. You would've been 44 today. To celebrate, yesterday I scheduled my tumor removal surgery. I know that's not much of a birthday present, but it's the best I can do right now.
Wish you were here, and Happy Birthday,
Doodlebug.
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2023
Dear Mom,
Grandma and Grandpa took me to Gatorland today. I wish you could at least see the pictures I took. I got to hold parakeets in the aviary, and it reminded me of our trips to the zoo. I also got to feed the baby (and adult) gators. I'm not sure how much you would've liked to have been there, but I wish you could've been there with us still.
Miss you lots,
Doodlebug.
Sunday, September 3rd, 2023
Dear Mom,
There's so much I've got to tell you but I can't. I went on my first 1st date, and my first 2nd date this summer. I danced with guys. I have a crush on a student in my herpetology class. Oh yeah, I'm taking a herpetology class this semester and I LOVE it. B and K are officially bf/gf. C and her kids and I feel like a family now, like, a real one. I love all of them so much. Dad is so happy now. He misses you lots, all of us do. I wish you were here so I could ask you questions. Like, how do you know what you're meant to do in life? How do you know when you've met "the one"? How do you figure out what your next step is? Is change always scary? I wish you were here so we could talk about everything.
Miss you lots,
Doodlebug.
Friday, March 22nd, 2024
Dear Mom,
There's so much I want to say to you, enough to fill a whole book and more. It's been almost 3 years since you passed. Sometimes I have dreams where you come home, and you say you were just on a trip, or a vacation, but you're back now. Last night I dreamt that you came to Dad's house, and you said you'd been off with W, but you left her. You told me I didn't have to come with you, but you were going to buy a house, and that until then you were staying with Grandma and Grandpa, but that I was always welcome to visit. And then I remembered that you'd died, and when I told you, you just looked at me, and then I woke up. It hurts to wonder if that's how life could've been, if things had gone a bit differently, so I don't. Instead I think of the present, and the future, and the good parts of our past. This Sunday is Palm Sunday, and I remember all of the palm leaf crosses you used to make. You used to tell me you'd show me how to make them someday, but I never got the hang of it. This morning, when I was thinking about my dream house, I thought about the house we used to live in in Ohio. For a second, I thought about getting a ranch-style house, so that you could navigate easier when you came to visit, until I remembered. I'm graduating soon, with my Bachelor's in Biology. It's not quite what we planned, but things changed after you died. I've been applying to jobs, some with the USFWS and the NPS. I know we wanted me to be a doctor, but I hope you'd be proud of me even if I work with fish instead. Soon I'll be moving out. Maybe in a few years I'll be getting married (though I still don't have a boyfriend, sorry). I wish you were here to see all of this.
Love you so much, and missing you everyday,
Doodlebug.